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Pre-Divorce Decisions

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“My spouse is spiraling out of control because they don’t want the divorce. What do I do?”

I want a divorce but my spouse doesn’t.

Your experience with divorce is shaped by your emotional acceptance, which is likely different from your spouse's. You've come to the conclusion that divorce is what you want. While this news may not be a complete shock to your spouse, they probably never believed it would actually happen. Now that it is, they might be struggling to cope with the rejection.

You find yourself in a difficult position. If you show kindness, it may give your spouse false hope that you want to reconcile. On the other hand, if you pull away and show no emotion, you might be seen as cold and insensitive. This situation can be exhausting, as you deal with the roller coaster of your spouse's alternating kindness and anger.

Navigating this period requires a delicate balance. It's important to maintain clear and respectful communication, set healthy boundaries, and seek support for both you and your spouse. A mediator can help facilitate discussions and ensure that both parties' needs are addressed, potentially easing the emotional turmoil for both of you.

There is a right way and wrong way to tell your spouse you want a divorce. Resolve that when you tell your spouse of your desire to get a divorce that you are NOT going to discuss any of the divorce topics or make any assumptions about who is going to get what or decisions with the children. Only discuss that you are going to divorce and how you want to divorce. Let them know that you would like to have a mediator that does not take sides educate you both together about all of the debts and assets and the children but that you don’t want to agree or disagree to anything right now. Sometimes writing a letter to your spouse instead of having a discussion can be more effective. That allows them to process first before they react. Here is a sample letter that many of our clients have used.

Sample Letter to Spouse

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“Great Marriages Are Not About Finding The Right Person. They Are About BEING The Right Person.”

You are expected to make significant decisions when you are emotionally not at your best. It's crucial to avoid being so indifferent that you push your spouse to a point where they feel the need to retaliate by hiring an attorney and starting a contentious legal battle.

We understand what you are going through and can help you manage your behaviors, establish boundaries, and set expectations with your spouse so that you feel emotionally safe. The biggest mistakes in a divorce often happen before the process even begins. Let us help you avoid costly errors in how you deal with your spouse.

If you would like to talk to a mediator about your situation, please use our Divorce Cost Estimator below by clicking the button. A mediator will contact you to discuss options for managing this emotional dynamic.

We specialize in these types of divorce situations. We coach you on what to say to your spouse and when to say it. We identify potential hazards for divorcing couples and guide you away from these pitfalls.

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